No Hero
by samanddianefan10
Summary: After a horrible accident, Radar is tragically injured. Hawkeye blames himself and must deal with feelings of guilt. B.J. tries to help his friend deal with the aftermath. based loosely on fallen idol .chapters 15 and 16 are the epilogue
1. Chapter 1

This takes place during the episode Fallen Hero.

Hawkeye had been pacing the confines of the tent for a few minutes. B.J. felt for his friend, although he understood why he was on edge. Radar was recovering from his injury, one which Hawk personally felt responsible for. To deal with his feelings of guilt, Hawk had had drunk quite a bit after he'd found out what had happened. He'd been hungover and unable to finish Radar's surgery. Radar later had confessed to Hawkeye that he'd put him on quite a pedestal. Unable to deal with that revelation, Hawk had snapped at his friend. He'd just been chewed out by Potter, Margaret and Father Mulcahy.

"Wanna talk about it?" B.J. asked his best friend, holding out a drink.

"What is there to talk about? If there was something to talk about, you'd be the first to know.I've talked to everyone. Or, more accurately, everyone has talked to me. Father Mulcahy has talked with me. So has Colonel Potter. So has Margaret for that matter. Radar has refused to talk to me if you want to get technical." Hawkeye sighed as he gladly accepted the drink.

"Fine. I just thought…well, I'm here if you find that there is something you want to get off your chest." B.J. poured himself a drink. He knew there was nothing he could do to ease his friend's burden, although he would in a heartbeat if he could. For a moment a drink would have to suffice.

" I'm fine. Just peachy, I tell you. Although I'm certain at some point before this day I will have insulted, offended, or otherwise verbally assaulted you. Please forgive me in advance . I have officially made a habit off these offenses."

"Come on, Hawk. Don't you think you're being a little bit harsh on yourself?"

"Oh and let's not forget that I sent a kid off to what could have been his death. How can we forget that? I literally have had Radar's blood on my hands. Forget about my being unable to perform my surgical duties, although that is completely inexcusable. I sent Radar out on a joyride that could have killed him. How could I have been so careless? He came to me for advice and now he's lying there with his chest wide open. Do you have any idea…forget it. I don't know what I would have done if his jeep had been off to the left just a few inches…" Hawkeye cringed as he thought of Radar lying in the O.R. with his chest cut open. "He's so young. He does not deserve to be in there. He didn't do anything wrong. I take that back. The only thing he did wrong was listen to my stupid advice."

B.J. watched his friend polish off his drink and then slide down into his bed.

_It is not your fault that Radar was shot. You did not put him into that jeep. You did not shoot at him. And most certainly Radar himself couldn't be blaming you for what had happened to him. So why do you?_

Instead he settled on a more concise question. "Have you tried talking to Radar again?"

"I did, earlier! Right after the good father, Colonel Potter and Margaret all raised holy high water with me. I don't have to tell you about it. You were there. I went to talk to Radar but he wasn't much up for talking. Not that I can hardly blame him. In fact , I don't' blame him if he never wants to see my lousy face again. I almost get him killed and how do I handle things? I yell at the poor little guy. What's wrong with me, Beej?"

Hawkeye was now sitting straight up , looking to his friend for answers.

"Hawk, what did Radar actually say to you? Did he say that he didn't want to see you again?"

"No, he was ready to have a go at someone who insulted a boy from Iowa. He's putting up a brave front. He's so good, he's not even blaming me for getting hurt! He's sore that I left him in the O.R. He'd be even sorer if he put two and two together and figured out that the reason I left was because I was hungover. I don't have the heart to explain that to the little guy."

"So he doesn't blame you for the shooting incident. He's just hurt about the OR episode. He'll get past that in a day or two. I'm sure you'll be able to smooth things over with him pretty quickly. You are his hero, you know."

Hawkeye stood up, "Why does everyone keep saying that? I'm not here to be a hero! I'm not here to be a role model. I'm here to be a surgeon and keep the insides of a person on the inside of their body. I'm here to do a job. And if that means I've let someone down, well then I'm sorry. I didn't sign up for this job looking to be someone's hero."

"And maybe Radar didn't sign you up to be his role model. It just so happened that you are the kind of person he wants to be. Maybe he can see past the surgeon and see Hawkeye. He's a kid doing his job- being a kid. He's trying to figure out who the heck he is. I'm not saying what he's doing is right but maybe you could cut him some slack." B ,J. commented as he poured himself a drink.

"Whose side are you on, anyways?" Hawkeye asked as he tried to make sense of what his friend just told him.

"I've been around since this whole incident began. I'm not going anywhere. That's all I'm saying. It's not about sides. There are no sides to choose from. He just got a big dose of reality. He's got some thinking to do. Just give it some time." B.J. finished his drink and sat down to play some cards. Intuition kicked in and told him it was time to give Hawk some space.

Hawkeye poured himself another drink. Might as well. Half the camp was mad at him anyways. Before he drank it, he opened his foot locker and pulled out some old letters from his father. If ever there was a time he needed some comfort from home, this was it. He was tired, his head hurt, and he just felt lousy all over. Maybe B.J. was right. Maybe he could straighten things out with Radar. But could he make things right with himself?


	2. Chapter 2

Sleep evaded Hawkeye the way peace avoided the war. It just wasn't going to happen any time soon. B.J. napped peacefully, and Charles was working post-op. Hawkeye had finished reading his dad's letters over an hour ago, and had been momentarily comforted by the words from home.

But the respite was all too brief.

_The kid came to me for advice. All he wanted to know was how to land a girl for a night. And now he's lying in post-op. Tokyo, I told him, was where his problems would be solved. One weekend in Tokyo and he'd be good to go. All he wanted was the one thing I take for granted- a little luck with the ladies. _

Radar was the polar opposite of Hawkeye in that department. Quiet and unsure of himself, he hadn't had a steady girlfriend since arriving in Korea. It wasn't unusual for him to turn to Hawkeye for advice with the ladies.

_Why did he have to come to me yesterday? Why does he have to come to me at all? Who am I, really? _

_Who do I think I am?_

He turned over in his bed yet again, quietly, as not to wake B.J. Part of him hoped he would wake, just to keep him from the overwhelming feelings of aloneness he was experiencing. But just having B.J. near was almost good enough for the time being. He watched B.J. as he wondered what he should do next.

Meanwhile Father Mulcahy was visiting with Radar.

"I don't understand, Father, what happened? I was just talking to him and then he yelled at me. He yelled at me! He had no right to. I was so mad at him I could have decked him if I felt any better."

"I understand your frustration, son. But anger is never the solution. I do hope you realize that."

"I know. Everyone keeps telling me not to be mad. But I can't help it. Hawkeye walked out on me in the middle of surgery. Something bad could have happened to me! He wouldn't have done that to any of his other patients. Why'd he have to go and pick me to do that to. Ouch." Radar rolled over to his other sighed as he winced in pain.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need me to get a doctor?"

"Anyone but Hawkeye." Radar muttered.

"Now, don't you think you're being a little hard on him? After all, doctors are only human. There was only one human who was perfect, let's not forget. Hawkeye bleeds like the rest of us. He's bound to make mistakes now and then."

"It sounds like you're taking up for him! How would you feel if you were me?"

Father Mulcahy sighed. "I imagine I would forgive Hawkeye. The pressures he's under are unimaginable. He is a fine surgeon, as is the rest of the team. Charles also did a remarkable job assisting in your care. You have the best medical team at your disposal, a group of people who care about you. I would not be so quick to pass judgment on Hawkeye." He paused to gauge Radar's reaction.

"How are you feeling?" the priest asked.

"Not so good, to tell you the truth. I hurt all over. My chest hurts. It's kind of hard to breathe."

"Perhaps I had better find Charles." He said, referring to the on-call doctor. "Do you need anything else?"

"Do you think you could bring me my…."

"Yes?"

Radar wanted to ask for his teddy bear. But then he remembered Hawkeye telling him to grow up. Perhaps he was right. Maybe it was time to act like a man. Real men didn't need stuffed animals to help them in times of trouble. Or at any time, really. It was time to act like a real man.

"Never mind. Just tell him I think I need some pain medication."

"Of course. I'll be praying for you, son."

"Thanks, Father." Radar half- smiled as he turned over to his other side. He would worry about Hawkeye later. Right now the only thing he was worried about was finding relief from the pain in his chest. The pain was definitely getting worse.

"I hear some more morphine is in order." Charles walked in while studying Radar's chart.

"Yes, sir. Just a little. Not too much. I'm only feeling bad just a little."

"If I didn't know you I'd suspect you'd already been prescribed more than your fair share of morphine. The nurse will administer the drug. I'll monitor your progress. Is there anything I need to know?" Charles asked while checking the wound. "If you continue to have problems breathing we may have to operate again."

"But sir,I'm feeling great. "Ready to go back to work as a matter of fact."

"That, my vertically challenged friend, is not going to happen in the foreseeable future. I recommend you try to sleep. If you cannot do so on your own, the morphine will assist you. I will see you shortly. Nurse, I want his vitals in fifteen minutes." Charles ordered as he left the room.

The medicine kicked in quickly. He would heavy doses of morphine, IV fluids, and other drugs, as infection had set in. Overnight, Radar would take a turn for the worse.


	3. Chapter 3

This is a sad chapter…character death….the plot has now altered from the original episode ….

Charles Winchester shut the door quietly behind him, although the slight bit of noise wouldn't phase him. He was lost in his own world, unable to see, speak, or feel anything. At this rare and dreaded occasion he was at a loss for words.

He watched as Hawkeye and B.J. played cards and enjoyed their drinks. They played like childhood chums; for one minute one would forget the circumstances in which the two men knew each other. Charles observed the two men with an outsider's curiosity. Normally the noisy bantering would irritate him to no end, not that he was much in the mood for the racket now. Not even he, Charles Winchester,could be so callous as to deny the two the moment of companionship. Not now, not after what he had just witnessed. Not after what he would have to tell them. Let the men play for one more moment. Surely it would be the last moment of laughter in this room for some time to come.

For today one of their own had passed, one whom had come to mean a great deal to Captains Pierce and Hunnicut. Even he himself had a certain affection for the boy known simply as Radar, although he had never admitted it to anyone. Even from day one he could see that Radar had a special place in the hearts of every officer in camp. The young boy had a way of being efficient yet naïve at the same time, Charles had quickly surmised. Yet for whatever he lacked in worldly wisdom, he made up in integrity.

"What's the matter, Charles? Cat's got your tongue? Remind me to find an extra mouse for that feline." Hawk called out over the checker board.

"Captains…I came in here to let you know that your presence is required in the Colonel's office." Charles sighed in his most sincere tone of voice. He prayed that the men would take him seriously for once. "I assure you, this is of upmost importance."

"Well, then, if he says it's important, then it must be. Let's get back to our game." B.J. laughed as he turned around.

"Gentleman! I'm afraid there has been a tragedy, of which I have personally witnessed. The colonel is personally beside himself with grief. Now then, shall I ask you again to accompany me to the colonel's office?"

This time, Hawkeye and B.J. looked at Charles seriously.

"What is it?" Hawk demanded as he grabbed Charles' arm. "What happened? What hap…oh, no. Oh…no…No!" "Tell me you're joking. Where is he? It's Radar, isn't it? What happened to Radar? Never mind. I'll find out for myself."

Now it was Charles' turn to grab Hawkeye's arm. B.J. grew pale as he watched this in shock.

"I'm sorry, Hawkeye. I'm so terribly sorry. We had to operate to alleviate the pressure from his wound. On the operating table he had a myocardial infarction. It happened rather quickly. We- Colonel Potter and I- did everything we could to save him, but it was no use. I know he was your friend and .I'm so terribly sorry."

"You know he was my friend!" Hawkeye looked over at B.J., his hands trembling. "You know he was my friend? You're standing here telling me that you killed him and you tell me that you know he's my friend? What do you know? He's not dead! Instead of standing here listening to your rubbish a real surgeon can be saving his life. I don't have time for this! I lost Henry but I'll be damned if I'm going to lose Radar. Well," He looked at B.J. "Are you coming or what?"

He followed Hawkeye without giving Charles a second look.

Hawkeye and B.J. walked into the post-op room, where they saw Radar's empty bed. They quickly donned a mask and went into the operating room, where they didn't find him either.

"Captain, the Colonel would like to see you." Kellye compassionately said, to either man as they walked back through the post-op. Neither one replied.

After only a minute but what seemed like an eternity, both men reached the clerk's office. Hawkeye froze at the sight of Radar's bed. He began to shake, although reality had not yet begun to set in.

B.J. patted Hawkeye's back for support.

"Don't touch me." Hawkeye barked uncharacteristically at his best friend. "The Colonel is going to hear about Charles' sick joke. I always knew there was something off with that man. This is just twisted. We need to call Sidney and have his head examined, that's what we need. Radar's not gone. Look, there's his locker. There's his jacket that is overdue for a wash. And let's not forget his teddy bear he keeps stuffed in that box under there." He kicked the box. " No, Charles makes Frank Burns look like Winston Churchill."

B.J. And Hawkeye both waited outside of the Colonel's office for a minute before knocking.

_Tell me Charles is wrong. This is all a bad dream. Radar's not gone. He can't be. I just talked to him last night. There's some mistake. Charles is just being rude, thoughtless, and crude. Nothing could have happened to good old Radar. Please tell me it aint't so. _Pleaded Hawkeye.

_This isn't real. Hawk can't handle losing another friend. Please tell me this is just a cruel joke. Don't do this to him. Hawk won't ever be able to live with himself if this is true. I don't know if Hawk can ever be fixed from this. He's going to blame himself..we're going to lose Hawk…I couldn't save poor Radar… Now I have to save Hawk. Help me save Hawk. _Begged B.J, who hadn't yet begun to experience the grief process over the loss of his friend. But instinct kicked in and he wanted to protect the one friend who he understood better than anyone else on earth. It wasn't to late to save him, but it would take time and effort. He couldn't let Hawkeye lose himself, not now or ever.

Both friends stood outside of the Colonel's door, not wanting to enter. They heard the slamming of a bottle to the table, and it half confirmed their worse fears. There were no needs for words between Hawkeye and B.J.

B.J. knocked on the door, waited for the invitation, and they opened the door, waiting for the words they prayed they would never have to hear about one of their own.

"Come in, boys." Beckoned Colonel Potter. His eyes were bloodshot. It was apparent to the men that he had shed a few tears. A bottle of scotch and a shotglass lay on his desk.

"Care for a drink?"

"No, thanks."

Potter ignored him and grabbed three glasses.

"I don't suppose Major Winchester had the good sense to keep his trap shut."

B.J. and Hawkeye looked at each other, filled with dread at what about Colonel Potter was about to say.

"Boys.." Colonel Potter started as he wiped the tears away…"Have a seat. I have something to tell you..." He poured three glasses of scotch and sat them down. There was no mistaking the mission he was about to embark on. No one was ready to make eye contact, and hearts were heavy. Yet every one grabbed a glass and toasted their drink.

"To Radar." Each man said in unison.

"To Radar." Potter repeated before sipping his drink. "A brave young man who will never be forgotten."

B.J. looked over at Hawkeye, and could see that already the wheels were rolling in his mind.

_Look at me, Hawk. Just look at me. We'll get you through this. You just got to look at me. Just once._

But not once in that office did Hawkeye look at his friend. He kept his eye on the shot glass of scotch that Potter refilled. No one really spoke, there was not much need to. The three of them drinking together was much better than the sight of any of them drinking alone.


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter has some language. And it also has a flashback from Sometimes You Hear the Bullet. Thank you for the reviews!

Hawkeye placed his hand over his lip while he sat at the edge of his bed. A single tear drop from fell from his eye fell past his shirt and onto his foot. Death was something he dealt with on regular basis around this hell hole, not that he was "used" to it. War meant shooting, and shooting meant death. Lord knows he'd objected and protested in every way possible. Men weren't supposed to die in the prime of their life. They were supposed to live well into their eighties, ninety if they were fortunate. Boys were supposed to grow up and become men. Men married and became fathers, not soldiers in some foreign country where people barely had enough to eat and medical basics were even more scarce.

Normally Hawkeye had words for every occasion and every feeling, but there was nothing to describe what he was going through at the moment. Radar was gone, and he was now feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. The world had gone even darker and was filled with more despair than it had been, as unimaginable as that was.

A second tear followed, trailed by a third. Hawkeye did the only thing his body would allow him to do. He crawled into bed and after a few minutes of quietly shedding some more tears he finally drifted into sleep.

Even in his dream everything hurt. Every time he wiped the single tear away one more fell in its place. He hated crying. Appearing to him in his dream was a warm and welcome face. It had been quite awhile since he had seen Henry Blake.

"_Pierce, is there anything I can do for you?" he asked, putting his hand on Hawk's shoulder. _

"_I'm crying. This isn't the first time I've cried since I've came to this crummy place. I don't have to tell you that. You were there the first time." Maybe it was seeing Henry, but the tears stopped. God, how he missed his friend._

"_Radar was your friend. He was my friend too. I know how hard this is for you…how hard it is for everyone. He's a good kid. I dunno what to tell you…I wish I did…anyhoo…this stinks, Pierce. War stinks."_

"_You can say that again."_

"_It's only natural that, you know…"_

"_Radar was my friend and I wasn't there for him when he died. I would have done everything in my power to save him. I don't understand what happened. One minute he's here and the next minute Charles comes in telling me he's gone. I could have- I should have- prevented this. He didn't have to die, Henry. He was just a baby. He had everything in the world to look forward to, everything except for this blasted war. He's gone and there's not a thing I can do about it. I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to fix things, I'm supposed to save people. I couldn't even save someone who looked up to me. He's gone and I'm standing here crying." Hawkeye turned to face Henry._

_Henry paused for a moment. "You're a doctor."_

"_What the hell does that mean?"_

"_I don't know." He sighed. "If I had the answer I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinc? Look all I know is what they taught me in command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one."_

"_Do you believe that?"_

"_I don't know. Do you?" Hawkeye looked at Henry for a moment. _

The moment lingered on. And then the door slammed, waking Hawkeye. He shot straight up in bed and looked around, expecting to see Henry. Instead he saw B.J. Frustrated, he threw himself back down to the bed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." B.J. said as sincerely as he could. He knew that his friend needed the rest and he felt horrible for waking him.

"It's ok. I was having a crazy dream anyhow."

"Care to share? My big ears are always open. Almost as often as my big mouth." He offered as he took off his boots.

Hawkeye blinked. "I had a dream…." He drifted off, unsure if he wanted to talk about it.

"About Radar?"

"About Henry."

"Oh."

"I still think about him a lot. It still hurts, you know. Just because I don't talk about him…he was a heck of a guy. You'd have liked him. I know everyone tells you that…I've told you that…but it's true. We had some times here." Hawk stopped, lost in his thoughts.

_I would have liked to have known Henry. If only…._

"I don't know…He was another one Radar worshipped…" maybe it was too soon to talk about it. There was so much he wanted to say, but it hurt so badly. He wanted to talk about Radar and Henry's friendship. Heck he wanted to talk about either of them. But now that they were both gone the pain was just too much to think about. Both of them…

"For a little while after Henry's death it hurt to talk to Radar. If I had to make a phone call it was Radar I had to go to. And where was the phone? By Henry's office. Where did Radar sleep? By Henry's office. I know, that was pretty stupid of me. Radar had nothing to do with Henry's death. Me of all people should know better."

"You're only human. Doctors have feelings too."

"You sound like Henry." Hawkeye briefly smiled, remembering his dream and the memory of his lost friend.

"You should have seen him when he came in to tell us about Henry." Hawkeye said somberly. " he was braver than I'd ever seen him. I think I'm pretty tough but I don't know if I could have been that brave. It was all any of us could do to keep it together. It's all I can do now…" with that he turned his back to go back to sleep. That was all he had to give.

. There was only so much a person could take, even surgeons. At least his friend was opening up, which was definitely a good sign. But what was he holding in?


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the inspiration Meatball Surgeons- Here is Sidney!

This is my very favorite chapter so far. Once again thanks for the reviews!!! This has references from episodes from the show.

Potter's Turn

"Enter." Colonel Potter said as he tidied up his room.

"I just thought I might find you here." Smiled the psychiatrist. "I hope I'm not disturbing you. I got your message saying that you wanted to see me."

"Come on in. Yes, I called for you. Padre's doing a wonderful job, but he's only one person. Morale's mighty low around here as you can imagine."

Sidney nodded as he took a seat.

"Can I offer you a drink? I managed to round up a bottle of scotch. I was planning to save it for a special occasion but…." Sherman stared off into space for a minute while Sidney observed him.

"Anyways can I get you that drink?" he cleared his throat.

"Yes, please."

Potter poured the drinks, and then sat at the side of his bed.

"Anyways, I thought maybe you could give the good Father a hand with the troops."

"You asked me that already."

"Oh. So I did." Potter said, a bit uncomfortably. He was used to joking around with the shrink, not talking shop with him.

"How is he holding up?"

"He's taking it rather hard, I'm afraid. Maybe you could talk with him. Radar's d…Radar is quite a guy, you know. "

"Hmmmm."

"Klinger's taking over, but he's no Radar. I'm afraid everyone's taking it out on the poor guy. It doesn't help that he's not what you'd call a natural. Desk's a mess, to say the least. His organizational skills leave something to be desired. He tries hard, bless his soul. His filing system seems to be urgent and non-urgent. Unfortunately, he has no sense of urgency. You should see what he's done to the office. Papers everywhere. You have to take a shovel to find the phone. If he put as much thought into the files as he did his wardrobe we'd be alright. I have to keep reminding myself we are all new at some point. Crazy kid. Not section 8 crazy. But crazy nonetheless."

"Is that why you called me here? To talk about Klinger?"

"Why not? He's one of my boys, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is one of your boys. How many boys do you have?"

Potter finished his drink. "They are all my boys and girls. Every one of them. Can't find a finer group of people anywhere in my opinion."

"It must be difficult raising such a large family."

Potter opened his mouth to speak, but quickly shut it.

"Sherman, how are your kids doing? About Radar's death?"

"No one's handling it well at all. We all love him. Like I said he's a member of our family."

Sidney was busy taking mental notes of every word.

"The O.R. is so quiet you can hear a pin drop. Which if you know Hawkeye, you know that's unfathomable. He's one big reason I asked you to come here. I'd like you to talk with him."

"I'll do that."

"B.J.'s on edge, although he'll deny it. Klinger, bless his heart, is on the receiving end of everyone's short fuses. He's been a real trooper as usual. Margaret's carrying on as always. You'd never know professionally that anything's wrong. That's why I'm so darn proud of them. But personally, well, I'd never stick my nose where it doesn't belong. That's why…"

"That's why you called me." Sidney chuckled.

"Your words, not mine." Potter set his glass down. "Ready for another?"

"No, thanks." Sidney got up to set his glass down. "Do you know what I find interesting?"

"What's that?"

"The few times you've mentioned Radar's name, you talked about him in the present tense."

Potter looked down at the floor, as if just the sound of Radar's name was too painful to hear. Truth be told, it was.

"It bothers you, doesn't it? When people talk about him."

"Of course not." Potter huffed defensively. "Besides I didn't call you here to talk about me."

"Didn't you?"

The room grew quiet for a few minutes.

The colonel's voice cracked as he finally spoke up. "He is..he was.. like a son to me. He was the first person I met when I arrived here. You should have seen him, he was the darnedest sight I'd ever seen for a soldier. He was shirtless and suntanning if you can imagine." He chuckled.

"Anyhow he set my bags inside and helped me settle in, like a corporal should. He tried to tell me how to set my files but of course I wouldn't listen to him. But he asked me about my beloved Mildred when I set up my picture on my desk. When I told him I saluted her picture every morning, well, wouldn't you know it the kid saluted her. That's when I knew we'd get along just fine."

He looked over at his picture of Mildred, smiling at the memory of both Radar and his wife.

"He made my days here smooth as molasses. I asked him about why they called him Radar. He told me it was because he saw things before they happened. Wouldn't you know it but it was the truth. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. How would you explain that? Maybe you'll tell me I'm section 8."

"I believe you. Some people are quite perceptive. And some people are just special. Radar was one of those people."

"Donkey dollar he was. Why, I was feeling mighty lonesome for my ranch back home. It was my anniversary, and the gang decided to through a party for me. In walks Radar. Wouldn't you know it he walks in with a mare! A beautiful real life mare! In all my army days I've never seen anything like that."

"Sounds like he really knew you."

"Yeah. I guess he did." He cleared his throat. "I think I'm ready for another drink."

"Would you like to know what else I noticed about you?"

"Something tells me I'm going to hear it anyways." Potter said as he sat down and sipped his scotch.

"You started to say the word death.. but then you changed the subject."

"I stuttered. That doesn't mean anything."

"Let me do the analyzing. You say the word death all the time. But you were talking about someone you say was like a son to you and yet you can't bring yourself to say the word death. Why do you think that is?"

"I think I'm going to need the whole bottle when I'm talking to you."

He was met with silence. Sidney placed his knuckles on his mouth as he actively listened to his friend.

"I don't know, Sidney. I know he's d..gone. I know..I was there. I worked on him…I tried everything I could and there was nothing I could do. Nothing." He looked away. "Not a darn thing I could do."

Sidney could sense the helplessness that Potter must have felt on that terrible day. He could see that he still couldn't bring himself to admit that Radar was dead. Clearly, he was in the denial stage of the grief process. He knew there was no way to rush things. Everyone must grieve in their own way. If he could get him to say the "d" word then perhaps Potter might take a step in the right direction.

"What is it about the word death that bothers you, Sherman?"

"I don't know! I use it all the time. I say it in my sleep. I eat, breathe, live, sleep it. I don't know why I can't bring myself to say it. I guess I never really thought about it."

Sidney paused for a minute, as he was apt to do when a patient revealed something important about himself.

"I guess I'm just not ready. That's all there is to it."

"Is it, now?"

"I don't know where you're going with this, but I think I've said enough. Now if you don't mind, Sidney, I think I'd like to hit the hay. We've been suspiciously quiet lately and I don't know how long our luck will last. Hopefully you can talk to some of the boys tomorrow." Potter changed the subject.

He'd covered a lot more than he'd meant to. Actually he hadn't really meant to talk about himself at all. Psychiatrists could be so tricky.

"Well, Sherman," Sidney said as he stood up." I'll certainly do my best."

He knew that was as far as he would get with his friend, but he was satisfied that he'd made some real progress. Sherman had shared some memories of Radar. He just wasn't ready to let go of his friend, which was perfectly natural. The important thing was that he had opened up. Even colonels needed to get things out in the open. Perhaps, even, especially colonels.


	6. Chapter 6

.**B.J.'s Turn**

_Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted._

"Father, can you spare a moment?" B.J. knocked on the door of Father Mulcahy's tent. He entered the room.

"Of course." He said, setting down the pen on the desk. "I was just taking some time to write..to prepare..well, I'm sure you know. It's a mighty heavy cross to bear when I must prepare for occasions such as these. I confess that I don't really know where to begin. This is a most difficult and grievous ceremony to prepare for. I'm so sorry, B.J. I shouldn't be laying my burden on you. Most certainly that's not why you came to me."

"It's okay, Father. Everybody's doing the best they can right now. I'm sure you're having just as difficult a time as the rest of us. I can't believe this is happening." B.J. said sadly as he leaned against the desk.

"How are you doing? I know how fond of Radar you were. We all were. He was an extraordinary young man."

"That he was. I can't even begin to comprehend what's happened. This is just …I can't explain it. I deal with death on a weekly basis.. Not that it's okay. It's not okay. It's inexcusable. Every time it happens you think there's something more you could have done to save them. You replay it over and over in your head until you think you're going crazy. You've can't take anymore and than you realize you don't have time to think. It's time to take care of the next guy. You start to wonder when you've become so hard that you can keep going even when you just felt a guy's heart stop beating. You almost wonder who you've become when you can just call the death and move on to the next guy." Said B.J., his voice fading at the end of his speech.

"You have quite a heavy burden. I see what you do day in and day out and I must say that you have the most difficult job in the world. I don't envy you. Try to keep in mind all the lives you save. I know that it's easy for me to tell you that but it's something to bear in mind."

"I wish there were more that I could say to encourage you." Father Mulcahy offered as he watched B.J. shake his head in despair.

B.J. rubbed the elbow of his pink shirt out of nervousness. "It's not you, Father. I just..I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. I don't even know if I know how I'm feeling. I haven't felt like this since I've been here. It's different than anything I've ever felt. I've lost an aunt once. I saw her at Thanksgiving before I came here. She was seventy-seven. Sure, I felt sad. My grandparents are dead. I missed them more than anything in my life. I still miss them. But I knew they lived their lives. This is different. Radar was nineteen."

B.J. moved over to the chair across from the priest. "Ninteen! How can God explain that to me? I'm so angry I could kick something- don't worry, I'll try to contain myself. But I'm angry. He was cut down at the prime of his life. How can I not be angry? How can any of us not be angry? Radar was one of us. He was my friend. A real good kid if I ever met one. Tell me, what did he do to deserve this?"

It was difficult to see his friend this upset. "I…"

"No, I want to know! I want to know how God can justify allowing this to happen! He didn't have to die. Why did this have to happen!" he stood up.

"I.." Father Mulcahy started, nervously. "This is difficult for everyone. He was loved by everyone. There are no answers…we will never know why this happened. I wish I could give you a better answer than that. The truth is I'm still searching for an answer myself. I'm so sorry."

B.J. nodded. "I'm sorry, Father. I didn't mean to lose my cool."

The priest smiled. "It's no problem, son. That's what I'm here for."

--- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- -- - --- - -- - - - - -- -- - --- -- - ----- --- -- - - - - -

The truth was, B.J. wasn't the only one who was angry. Father Mulcahy was angry, too. He hadn't had any free time in between counsel and preparing for the service. At night time he had prayed, of course, but he'd been too exhausted to think. But tonight B.J. had summed up what he himself had been feeling. Of course, he couldn't allow himself to be angry, At least that's what he told himself.

_They that sow in tears shall reap in joy_

_He that goeth fourth and weepeth, bearing_

_Precious seed, shall doubtless come again_

_With rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him_

_Psalms 126: 5-6_

The words he could copy, but his thoughts refused to flow. This was one of the most difficult services he had ever had to prepare. He took off his glasses, set them beside his Bible, and wiped the tears from his eyes. The priest had heard Sidney was in camp; perhaps it was time to pay him a visit.


	7. Chapter 7

**Mulcahy's Confession**

**We'll be seeing more of Hawkeye in a few more chapters. We still need to get through the funeral.:( which will take me quite some time to research and write. If anyone has any fave Radar episodes or scenes they'd like me to include please let me know and I'd be happy to work them in! Thanks for reading. **

"Thank you so very much for taking the time to see me. I know how busy you are. I understand you're very much in demand these days." Father Mulcahy sighed as he welcomed the psychiatrist into his tent.

"As are you. I'm was hoping we would have a chance to talk. How are you doing?"

"Truth be told, I'm not doing so well. This is just between the two of us, of course."

"Of course. You should understand confidentiality better than anyone."

" Confidentiality is sacred." Father Mulcahy looked around.

"You look uncomfortable. Do I make you nervous?"

"Yes. I mean no Please excuse my slip, I certainly didn't mean it. I know you psychiatrists might call it a Freudian slip but please know that it was just an innocent slip of the tongue. I'm just not used to being on the giving end of confession I suppose."

"Do you have something you'd like to confess?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I confess this is quite difficult for me. Preparing a funeral for a friend is not the easiest thing in the world to do. I suppose I knew it was a possibility- this is a war."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. I guess it means I just wasn't ready to lose a friend. Radar was a dear friend who left a mark on this world. He certainly made his mark in this unit. Nearly everyone has stopped in to see me. You know, there has been one troubling exception." The priest frowned.

"And who might that be?"

"Hawkeye. I fully expected to see him. He was mighty close to Radar. I've tried to look in on him, you know, as time as allowed. But I've been so busy…. I've looked for him at meals but I haven't seen him. I wanted to ask the Colonel about him but it didn't seem…appropriate. I've seen him in the O.R. but he's been unapproachable. I wish I could talk to him. But I'm afraid that he may not wish to talk to me." Father Mulcahy wrung his hands as he spoke. He had even begun to perspire, which was not lost on the psychiatrist.

"Hawkeye is important to you as well."

"I consider him a close friend, yes."

Sidney grew quiet, giving the priest the time he needed to say what was truly on his mind. He had found, in his experience, that the Freudian method of allowing people to speak freely was the most effective way to help the patient to heal. Clearly Father Mulcahy was troubled by Hawkeye's behavior. Whether it was Hawkeye himself or the whole situation was yet to be seen. He leaned forward and folded his hands together while remaining quiet.

"He hasn't been himself."

"You mentioned that."

"Well, there is a bit more to the story. But I'm not sure I'm at liberty to discuss it."

"You might feel better."

"You see, it's about Hawkeye. And Radar. I'm afraid that Hawkeye is blaming himself for Radar's death. And I might be responsible for that." He looked down away from Sidney. It was the first time he admitted to anyone, even himself, that he might have been unfair to Hawkeye.

"You see, Radar had just had surgery. I'm not sure of the whole story but I know that Hawkeye wasn't able to finish up with his second surgery. He was a bit under the weather, shall we say. Radar asked Hawkeye about it, and then Hawkeye wound up saying some things he probably shouldn't have. I became angry with Hawkeye and let him know about it. Sidney, I didn't even give Hawkeye a chance to explain himself. And now…and now Hawkeye has to live with knowing that his last words to Radar were those of an argument. I'm afraid that he'll blame himself. I wish there was something I could say to him to let him know that he's not to blame. I'm not sure there's anything any of us can say to him. I'm a man of the cloth and I just don't know if there's a way to repair the damage I've done to our relationship. I don't know if he can ever get over what's happened with Radar."

"I can certainly see the concern you have for Hawkeye. And you're right. He may never get over what's happened."

Father Mulcahy looked stunned.

"Not exactly what you had hoped to hear. He's in a state of shock. He's angry. He's angry at himself. He may even be angry with you. I'm sorry, that's probably not what you'd like to hear."

"No, no, I expected as much. What can I do?"

"I would give him time. I'd like to tell you that he'll get over his anger. But the truth is we won't know how he'll he react. He could associate you with the guilt he has over fighting with Radar and avoid you like the plague. He could internalize his feelings and pretend everything's just fine. You know as well as I do that grief affects everyone differently. In your line of work you see this. I'll keep an eye on him. You have your plate full with your job. Let me worry about Hawkeye."

Father Mulcahy nodded. "I wish there was more I could do to help him. But at this point I feel as if I might anger him. I just feel so helpless."

"Father, sometimes the strongest thing a person can do is walk away from a situation. It doesn't mean you're turning your back on Hawkeye. Just give him some space to let the healing process begin. Let him come to you. Right now focus on the camp and the memorial service. Let me take care of Hawkeye."

"All right. I don't feel entirely comfortable turning my back…"

"You're not turning your back on him. You're meeting a need even he may not realize he needs."

"Well, since you put it that way…" He always did like to be needed. "But you'll let me know if there's anything more I can do?"

Sidney smiled. "There is one more thing you can do. I'm not too good at this sort of thing."

"Anything!"

"You can say a prayer for Hawkeye."

Father Mulcahy laughed at his Jewish friend's joke. "I'll do that. And Sidney…thank you."

The two men stood up and shook hands.

"Good night, Father."

Sidney was happy to have helped another of his 4077th friends during this crisis. It was apparent that one man would need his help most of all. He would have to soon call on Hawkeye Pierce.


	8. Chapter 8

**The service**

Father Mulcahy looked around the room before he began. Everyone was watching him except for Hawkeye, who was staring at the platform from his next to last-row seat. The surgeon, clad in his crimson bathrobe, appeared exhausted and unshaven. In a room full of mourners, it was Hawkeye's grief that appeared to be the most palpable. The priest hoped he would be able to comfort his friend after the ceremony. He noticed that he wasn't the only one observing Hawkeye- sitting directly behind the doctor was Sidney. This scene looked sadly familiar. Not too long ago the priest had stood to speak of Henry's death.

Margaret's tears already had begun to flow. B.J., who sat in the row behind her, handed her his handkerchief. He'd come prepared. During Henry's funeral she'd insisted to everyone she was just fine. She had refused to carry a handkerchief of any kind. She, Margaret Houlihan, would not cry. At least that is what she had told every one who would listen. The minute the Father laid out Henry's picture, Margaret lost it and began to sob. Hawkeye had offered her a handkerchief then and she accepted it without acknowledging the gesture. This time was different. She looked back at B. nodded, acknowledging his gracious gesture. Seeing her tear-stained face brought a tear to his own eye. Even in a state of vulnerability she was still one of the toughest women he'd ever known. They say a picture speaks a thousand words. A photo of her face at that moment, if taken, surely had a story to tell beginning with the loss of Henry Blake.

B.J. closed his eyes. He could hear the name Radar being whispered. If he listened even more closely he wondered if it would be possible to hear the name Henry. And if the wind blew in the right direction, would the name Tommy Gillis fly by Hawkeye's row?....It was daunting…Radar..Henry….Tommy…no wonder Hawk isolated himself off in that fluffy robe of his. It was his defense against all of the ghosts in the room. Colonel Potter could hear the name Henry…the man whose shoes he had to "fill". B.J. himself had a personal albeit living ghost named Trapper John…the one that held the door wide open for him. And by proxy he shared Hawkeye's ghosts….for B.J. and Hawkeye were close enough to share the other one's burdens. Everyone here had ghosts to fight off….Hawk had three. Margaret had a ghost of her own named Frank, who represented the woman she'd outgrown and left behind. But she was still a part of her. It was amazing to have all of these spiritual forces in the same room at the same time. It was better for each one to deal with their own personal ghost than to stop and allow the unthinkable question to be asked….could I be next?

"I'd like to begin by quoting from St. Augustine." The Father started.

"_Love never disappears._

_I have merely retired to the room next door._

_You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are. _

_Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad._

_Continue to laugh at what made us laugh._

_Smile and think of me._

_Life means what it has always meant._

_The link is not severed._

_Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?_

_I will wait for you, I am not here, but just on the other side of the path._

_You will see, all is well."_

"Life's brings us many joys and pleasures, and it also brings us inescapable pain and sorrow. We all have times of mourning, loss, and grief. Such is this time for the 4077. We have suffered an unimaginable loss in our dear friend, Walter O'Reilly. We each carry a heavy sorrow over his loss. We have come together to share our grief, to mourn together the loss of a comrade. Let us join together in spirit to remember the gentle soul we remember simply as Radar."

Hawkeye refused to make eye contact with the priest. He shuffled his feet, which distracted those around him. B.J. looked over at him and asked if he was alright.

"Yeah, yeah." He motioned with his hand for his friend to leave him alone. His voice, although in a whisper, had a strange detachment to it. B.J. watched the stranger beside him for another minute. If Hawkeye noticed or cared, he didn't show it.

Sidney eyed the scene and frowned.

"Radar was not what you would consider your typical soldier. At first glance you might consider him to be a bit shy. But don't be fooled- he always had a kind word for those around him. He was a truly gentle soul. He respected authority." Father Mulcahy glanced over at Colonel Potter, who nodded his head.

"And at the same time treated everyone he met with courtesy and a sense of humor. Those who worked with him would testify to his keen sense of loyalty. He would give you the shirt off his back. I believe his has literally done so from time to time." He smiled.

"He was a kind and gentle soul with humans but also with animals. He's had quite a menagerie. He's been quite creative in taking care of his pets. One time he sent his pet lamb back to his mom's farm all the way from Korea. A boy like that who would go to such lengths to take care of one of God's innocent creatures is truly blessed with a soft heart and a quick wit. He has a way with animals, as I'm sure Colonel Potter would attest to."

Colonel Potter nodded.

"Radar was the picture of youth and innocence. It would be hard pressed for one of us to think of him without thinking of another of his animals-his teddy bear. That teddy bear brought him hope and comfort in a world that is so different than anything he'd ever dreamt of. He was about as All-American as apple pie. Radar was a good kid.. The teddy bear provided security and companionship, isn't that what we're all looking for? God bless you and your teddy bear, son."

"We are members of a close team. This isn't, sadly, the first time we've suffered the loss of one of our own. But we can do what we did the last time. We draw our strength from our Lord and from each other. Losing Henry and now Radar are devastating blows. But we can overcome our grief if we turn to our Lord for guidance. I'm here for everyone, as is Sidney. Never underestimate the power of your comrades. We must celebrate the life of Radar, as we did with Henry. Neither of them can ever be far from our thoughts." Padre folded up his notes.

"And now, would someone like to give a Eulogy?"

B.J. stood up and made his way to the front. Hawkeye's body tensed up. Sidney noted this.

"When I think of Radar, I think of what a swell friend he was. There wasn't a thing in the world he wouldn't do for you. If I needed a phone call at four in the morning, he'd make it. By the way, Colonel Potter, that was a hypothetical situation."

A few members in the audience chuckled.

"I'll never forget one time Hawk and I decided to give Frank Burns a birthday present. We decided put on an act like we were mad at each other. Probably the best birthday present Ferret Face ever had. And in walks Radar. He puts an end to that fighting. He lets us know in no uncertain terms that friendship is too valuable around here to fight. Nothing's worth losing a friend over. The man had morals and would stand up for what he believed in.. To me, that just tells me that when the man saw a wrong he was willing to correct it, no matter what the consequences might be. I know men twice his age with half his convictions."

The crowd was really brightening up as they listened to B.J.'s eulogy. He had a way with words, and he shared some more positive memories. Encouraged by the crowd's response, B.J. shared a few more incidents. While he was speaking, he did not notice a man in a red robe slip out of the room. But a certain psychiatrist did watch as he walked right out of the room..

B.J. had meant to demonstrate that Radar valued friendship and would have held no grudge against Hawkeye. Instead, his words had the opposite effect. It was as if he had pushed a "guilt button" and had found Hawkeye's breaking point.

Once outside Hawkeye ran as far as he could until he found a jeep. He jumped in and drove off. Confident no one could hear or see him, he pulled over. After getting out of the car he hollered at the top of his lungs. He yelled once more, because it felt so good. That was the healthiest thing he could have done, but not the smartest, so he quickly got back into the jeep and made his way back to camp, where, hopefully, he would be left alone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hawkeye's thoughts**

**Another sad chapter…I got a little teary eyed writing this.**

**Special shout out to New York Gal…thanks for your encouragement and your advice for my last chapter! Very much appreciated!**

Seeing an abandoned hut along the side of the road, Hawkeye decided to take a break from his road trip. He sat down on the hard ground and leaned against the wall, pressing his knees against his chest. The sunlight shone brightly through the open window, hurting his eyes. He neither cared nor attempted to shield his eyes. His lack of sleep, depression, and grief produced rapid and disturbing thoughts

_I don't want to go home. Home. What's this war come to when I start referring to the swamp as home? I'm even more messed up than I thought. That's a mistake I'll never make again, trust and believe. Home is where the heart is . Home is where your family and friends are…your friends…but my friends are here…what is a friend, anyway? Am I a friend? I'm certainly no one I'd want to be associated with. _

_First do no harm. That's the first thing we learn in medical school. Tell that to Radar._

_And now look what's happened to me. I've killed Radar. Everyone knows that. No one will come out and say that out loud but you can see it in their eyes. Between the pity and the contempt I don't know which is worse. Even B.J. treats me like I'm a child. He's always asking me how I'm doing, as if he can't see how I'm doing. I know he means well. Normally he can read my mind. I'm glad he can't read my mind right now. He seems to be the only friend I have left in this world even though he knows the truth about how I sent Radar off to his death. All B.J. wants to do is talk to me but I can't stand the sound of my voice. As a matter of fact I can't stand the thoughts in my head but I can't seem to turn them off. I'd give anything to make them go away, even for a minute. I even think when I sleep. _

_Radar's been the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. In between I think about my Mom, Tommy, and Henry. I can't stop thinking about them. I always wondered what my mom would be like if she'd gotten a chance to live a long life. I wonder how she'd deal with me being over here. I'm sure Dad would be a great source of comfort. That's the kind of guy he is. Sometimes I get scared that I can't remember too much about her. Not as much as I'd like to. There's just not enough time. Just ask Henry. He didn't have enough time with his family. He was a day away from being with his family. And yet he went and got himself killed. Why did you do it, Henry? Why did you leave us so soon?_

_Radar would still be with us if he hadn't listened to good old Hawkeye-the man who can solve anyone's problems. You just know that's what they think when they look at me. And can you blame them? When I look in the mirror that's what I see. I used to feel pretty darn proud of the man in the mirror. I thought, okay, here's a man who knows what he's doing. Maybe not Albert Einstein, but no Frank Burns. I use my hands. I use my brain. I tell my patients what to do. I tell my nurses what do to. Heck, I used to tell Henry what to do all the time. But I tell Radar what to do and look what happens….._

_And there's my dad. What am I supposed to tell my dad? That his son's not the man he used to be? If I can't recognize myself, how in the world will my dad know me? What's going to happen to the pride my dad used to feel for me…will that disappear, too? I can't honestly picture looking my dad in the eye right now. My own dad…my hero…the man who taught me everything I know… if he only knew what I've become. _

_What have I become? When did I become so irresponsible that I thought a man should drop everything for a little fun? The worst part about what I told Radar is that he did exactly what I would have done…except I wouldn't have had to leave the comforts of my own home. All he wanted was something I take for granted. He wanted to be like me…why…why me? Why couldn't he have picked someone else…like Colonel Potter. Or B.J. Yes, B.J. would have been the perfect choice. A good, solid man. A family man. B.J tried to tell him to wait. B.J. tried to warn him…but no, Radar had to listen to me._

_But Radar did have his first pick of a hero, and it wasn't me. But Henry left us too soon. Why do the good have to die? My head knows that war claims the good and the bad, the innocent and the villains alike. I lost Tommy…and then Henry…and now Radar…How many more am I going to lose? How many more men have to die in this blasted war? And for what? _

_I couldn't save Tommy. He was right there in front of me and I watched him die. And Radar…I tried to save him. Henry was hundreds of miles away and there was nothing I could do for him. Death surrounds me and what can I do? In the end I can't save the ones I love. If I could just have one more day with all of them I would do everything in my power to save them. I would have changed the title of Tommy's book. I would have let Henry help us with that wounded. Five minutes might have changed everything. Isn't that how life works…Everything changes in five minutes? Shoot, everything changes in five seconds. And Radar…well I would have told him to find another hero. _


	10. Chapter 10

Finally the emotionally exhausted driver of the jeep pulled over to the middle of the road.

"Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you!" Klinger, clad in his black mourning dress and veil, ran over to a disheveled Hawkeye.

The captain averted his eyes and kept on walking. If he heard the corporal, he gave no indication whatsoever.

"Captain, I really think you should see Colonel Potter. Everyone's been asking about you. I know it's none of my business but I hate to see you get in trouble…" the well-meaning man said.

Hawkeye stopped dead in his tracks and looked Klinger square in the eyes for a moment. Mere inches separated the two men and for a minute Klinger feared for his safety. He'd seen that look in a man's eyes only once, from a man back in Toledo. Old man Bensonhaver had came back from the second war early, only to find his wife with the next door neighbor. Everyone said the war made him turn crazy, but Klinger always felt that it was love that turned him that way. Up until he himself went to war. But here was the most respected man around town with that same look of sadness and emptiness and Klinger just didn't know what to do.

"Don't waste your time worrying about me. I'm not worth it." Hawkeye finally said before turning away.

OOOOO

Hawkeye finally made it back to the swamp, after avoiding the hellos of a few nurses. Much to his chagrin Charles was not only playing his record music but was also singing along to it. B.J. was busy writing, safely presumably to Peg and Erin.

"Knock it off, will ya." Hawk scowled at Charles.

"My, my, aren't we in a pleasant mood today?"

"That's pretty tactless, even for you." B.J. interjected. "You've been listening for awhile now. Couldn't you give it a rest now?"

"I heard no complaint until your friend marched in here. And that is no sufficient reason for me to surrender my music. Therefore, the music continues." Charles continued to move his fingers along in rhythm with the tune, shutting his eyes in the process.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me! I said knock it off!" Hawkeye walked over and grabbed the record and threw it at the major.

"Captain, you're forgetting your place!" Charles stood up to face his roommate.

"My place? My place? My place is a thousand miles away from this hell hole where a guy can go wear a pair of blue jeans if he wants to and not shave for a month. He can go to a restaurant and pick out the biggest and fattest lobster and go back twice in one day if he so desires. A man can sleep in until noon without having some bozo play music at ungodly levels-don't think that doesn't bother me just because I let it slide. My place is not playing camp babysitter and it's sure not watching every man and their brother get their insides blow to kingdom come. Don't you dare sit there with your presumptuous proboscis and presume to tell me where my place is!"

B.J. watched as Charles looked away nervously, not sure what to make of Hawkeye.

Finally Hawkeye, after a long moment of staring contemptuously at Charles, made his way over to grab a glass of alcohol.

Charles wisely decided to grab a few of his belongings and leave for a while. He was getting hungry, anyways.

"There goes the king of tact." B.J. commented.

"Yeah. He forgot to take his record player. Maybe we should ship it out to him." Hawkeye stood up and started to walk over towards it. B.J. walked over and protected it.

"Come on. Let's go have that drink. I haven't had one in forever. Like a half-hour. My liver's starting to go on strike."

"Who were you writing to? Peg?" Hawk sat down on the side of his bed.

B.J. smiled. "Yeah. She did the cutest thing. She had Erin write me a letter. It was all scribbles of course. But she put her hand and foot print on it. She's growing up too fast. Wanna see?" He held up the letter?

"No. All kids are good for are growing up and making dumb decisions. They either rebel and get themselves into a bad situation like getting themselves knocked up or locked up, or they listen to you and go off and get themselves killed. Kids for you."

B.J. looked away, uncomfortably. "Listen, Hawk…I saw Sidney today…"

"Oh no…not you, too. Don't you start! I don't want to hear it from you. I could expect to hear it from the Father or the Colonel. But not from you? Talk, talk, talk. That's all they want you to do around here. But if I hadn't have talked than…just forget it. You're supposed to be my friend. You know exactly what happened the last time I talked. And know you want me to open my trap again! Well you can just forget about it. I thought you were better than the rest of them. I thought you were my friend. Now you think I'm off my rocker, don't you?"

"I didn't say that. Everyone needs someone to talk to. I've been talking to Father Mulcahy. I'm not done talking with him. I'm so tore up about Radar I can't even see straight. I'm the first to admit this. I know you have got to be…"

"You don't know how I'm feeling. No one knows how I'm feeling. One minute I'm sitting here laughing and joking and carrying on with my life and the next minute….tell me something, Beej. Are your parents still alive?"

He nodded.

"How many friends of yours died?"

"One-Radar..And it hurts like you …"

"Try three. So don't tell me you know how I feel. I hear doctors saying that to their patients all the time. 'You lost a leg son. I'm sorry, I know how you feel.' You just don't ever know how someone else feels. So what's the point of talking to someone? No one can ever know how you can feel?"

"Hawk…it's me you're talking to. I do know how you're feeling about Radar. I knew him and felt the same way about him as you did. So we're really not that different there. And no, I don't know how you're feeling about your friends and your mother. I'm so sorry you lost them. That's why I think talking to Sidney might help. I am not implying anything. He's just good at helping people deal with this sort of stuff. I'm not. Remember when I first got here, and when I first saw those dead men on the field? I couldn't handle it. I got physically sick. You were the one to help me. I just think maybe you need someone to help you right now. You didn't look down on me for needing help. You just picked me up and kept going. It's what we do. It's time to let us help you."

"Well you're wrong. I don't need any help. And I don't need you."

With that, Hawkeye stood up and grabbed his pillow and blanket. He didn't even look back as he left the swamp. He would sleep in the supply room if he needed to. All he wanted to do was be left alone, and he would find a way to do it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Margaret**

The next day…

"Son, I'd like to see you for a moment." Colonel Potter pulled Hawkeye aside after a grueling eight- hour day of surgery.

"Gee, I'd like to take you up on that offer, but I have a prior engagement with my cot. I was up last night and I'm afraid I wouldn't make it through the whole show." Hawkeye replied as he scrubbed his hands.

"Speaking of sleep, I hear you've made new sleeping arrangements."

" Yeah, there's a couple of critters crawling around. Turns out I'm allergic to animals."

"I suggest you take a shot and hightail it back to camp. If we had everyone who had a disagreement with their tentmate move out why we'd be out of business. I'm serious, Pierce." Potter dried his hands. "I want you back in your tent, pronto."

"Is that all?"

"No. We got a copy of Gone with the Wind. We're showing the first part tonight."

"Not interested."

"No but I made sure Hunnicut and Winchester were. You'll be receiving a friendly visit from Sidney. I want you there when he drops by. This is an order." He put his hand in the air as if to ward off any protest he might receive.

"You can't do that to me! I don't want to talk to Sidney about anything. I put in my eight hours. I haven't slept. It's my time. I want to write my dad, if you don't mind."

"You have plenty of time to write your dad. I can't make you talk but I can make you listen. Look Pierce, I know that Radar's death has been hard on us all. I also know I said some things to you before he…well, I was a bit hard on you. You've been taking this harder than anyone here. We're a team, and we need you. Radar was a mighty special kid and it's only natural you feel this way. But I get the feeling there's a little bit more than you're letting on. Something happened before he got hurt that you're not telling me, Pierce. You don't have to tell me. But you gotta get it out. Or you're gonna drive yourself right out of your mind."

"Look, Colonel, I appreciate your concern. I appreciate everyone's concern. I left the swamp because B.J. was concerned. He meant well but he doesn't need to be. I'll meet with Sidney but you'll see it's a big waste of time. Everything's a-okay. You can put money on that." Hawkeye replied before turning away.

"I sure hope so, son. I sure hope so."

OOOOO

"Pierce." Maragret ran up to the doctor. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"If you're asking to the movie, I'll take a rain check. However if you're looking for a chance to be alone meet me back in my tent in five minutes. I have it on good authority that my roomies are going to the picture show. "

"Oh, knock it off!" She rolled her eyes, then softened her voice. "I just wanted to tell you that you did a fine job back there. Excellent work, really."

"Really you don't have to work so hard. I'm not playing hard to get."

"Oh, Pierce. Why do I even bother?" The nurse huffed, then turned to walk away.

"I'm sorry, Margaret. Don't go." He followed her. "Really. What is it?"

"I was wondering…could we talk? I mean..could we go somewhere and talk?"

"The only place I know we could be alone is your tent. I promise I'll behave." He added when he saw the indignant look on her face. "And if you're worried about people talking, don't. Everyone will be at the movies. I can't stay too long anyways. So tonight's as good as any night to talk."

"I suppose." She sighed. "But don't try anything."

"Look at me, Margaret. Trying anything is the last thing on my mind."

Satisfied, she proceeded to her tent.

After a few minutes of silence, Hawkeye spoke up. "So…how are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"That Carter boy sure healed up nicely. Faster than anyone expected." Margaret said.

"Medieval medicine for you."

"Listen, Captain…"she thought about what she wanted to say.

It was impossible not to stare at the bags under his eyes. She never thought the handsome man could ever look terrible, but he did. It wasn't just his looks that had suffered. Like everyone else in the O.R., she missed the unlimited supply of wit and commentary that he provided. Someone had to speak to him. Perhaps a feminine's voice could help him to open up. But of course, she had to be delicate about it. He was far too an intelligent of a man for her to come right out and ask him how he was feeling. He would never just blurt out his feelings. Perhaps she could appeal to his sensitivity. A little reverse psychology, perhaps, might help to get him to open up. Lord knew someone had to try. She was sick and tired of seeing the man walk around like a dead man walking. Sidney was in camp and yet he hadn't been able to help Hawkeye for all she knew.

"I just wanted to talk. I haven't really talked to anyone since everything this whole thing began." She looked up at him to see his reaction.

"It's okay, Margaret. Everyone needs someone to talk to." He gently replied. "I'm glad you felt you could come to me."

"I can't sleep, Captain. I can't eat. I feel so rotten."

"So take something."

"I've thought about it."

"So why haven't you?"

"A good nurse has to be alert on all times, ready for anything. How can I possibly function if I take some pill that will knock me out…?"

"Margaret, you know as well as I do that those pills are meant to give you a good night's rest…that's right, you do know as well as I know what they're made for. You think you're pretty clever, convincing me you want to talk about your problems. When does Margaret Houlihan ever want to talk to me about her problems? You just want to try some pseudo-psychological babble on me…well it's not going to work, although I give you an A for effort."

He turned to leave.

"I was there." She whispered.

"You were there, what?"

"I was there when Radar…passed on. I was assisting with Colonel Potter." The tone of her voice convinced him to stay. This was definitely not an act.

"Please, stay, won't you?" Margaret folded out a chair and extended it to Hawkeye, and then she sat down on the side of her bed.

"There was simply no time. Charles and the Colonel both worked as hard as I'd ever seen either of them work…I couldn't have left them for a second. They were there. You have to believe me that they did everything, and I mean everything, that they possibly could for Radar. I'd never seen Charles in action like that before. When he knew he did all he could do, he asked for help. You know how he is. That never happens. The colonel was right there the entire time. They were both ..you should have seen them shouting at each other and shouting at me and shouting at Radar. The look on Colonel Potter's face is one that will stay with me as long as I'll live. Even Charles- Well I know you think he's heartless but I saw this side to him that you wouldn't believe. He was compassionate…well as compassionate as he can be. There's nothing you could have done. There's nothing anyone could have done. I'm so sorry, Hawkeye. Sometimes I wonder if you blame yourself for not being there but I just want you to know that it wasn't your fault. This was an accident." With that, she reached over and grabbed Hawkeye's hand.

He didn't return the gentle squeeze, but he didn't' refuse it either.

"And another thing….I want to tell you that I'm sorry." She added, saying the two most difficult words in the English language. "I said some things to you that I shouldn't have. I don't know everything and I was wrong to yell at you the way I did. You know me. If I could do it all over again I would.."

Hawkeye let go of her hand, without looking at her. "Yeah, well there's a lot of things I'd go back and do over again if I could."

She frowned, wondering what he was hiding. He looked so lost.

"He loved you, you know."

If it had been anyone but Margaret to say that, he would have ripped their head off for reminding him of Radar's feelings. But he looked at her and saw the innocence in her eyes.

"Thank you, " Hawkeye said, surprising himself with the sincerity he felt. " I mean it."

"Anytime." She walked over and embraced her friend. They stood like that for a long while, not daring to move. And for the first time in days, Hawkeye smiled.

He finally pulled back. "Well, " he spoke up, his voice cracking with emotion. "See ya."

"See ya." She whispered back as he left.

Just as Hawkeye physically shut the door to Margaret's tent, he knew he'd opened an emotional one within himself. He'd let someone talk to him about Radar. He couldn't see it but he was mentally preparing himself for the upcoming visit with Sidney.


	12. Chapter 12

**The sessions begin…**

"So, Hawkeye, how are you?" asked Sidney as he took a seat facing Hawkeye.

"That's the million dollar question these days. I'm just terrific."

"I hear you're not so terrific."

Hawkeye rubbed his head and frowned. "Say what's on your mind, why don't you."

"I'd rather you say what's on yours."

"I had a mystery meat for dinner tonight. I thought it was going to pack up and take a mile long hike. I have to do laundry. Let's see. I haven't got my newspaper in two weeks. Oh yes, I ran out of hot water when I was taking a shower today and I screamed like a girl. Not that I mind a girl's scream in the shower, thank you very much."

"Is that all?"

"Why? What do you want me to tell you? That I'm angry? That I slept in the supply room and I expected someone to walk in on me? Or did you want me to tell you that I sat on Radar's bed yesterday?"

"Why did you do that?" The psychiatrist asked.

"I don't know, doc. I went in there looking for Colonel Potter but he wasn't there. I don't know why but I sat down on Radar's bed. It was the strangest feeling. It seemed like he was just in the other room. If I waited long enough he would come right back. It was as if he was he was out delivering the mail, or maybe he was out walking Sophie. If I just waited long enough he might pop his little head in…but then I looked around…no jacket, no locker, nothing. No sign that he was ever there. That's just like the army. They don't see the face, the spirit, the person. They just see the number on your tag. Well Radar was more than just a number."

"I agree. He was a very special little guy. He looked all innocent. Looks could be deceiving. He hustled me for more than a few dollars."

Hawkeye just stared at him. "Well, thanks for sharing. I feel better already." He stood up. "Now if you don't mind I have a standing appointment with a certain nurse and a bottle of gin. It was a pleasure doing business with you."

Sidney didn't budge.

"Well come on! What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?"

Still, the psychiatrist refused to move.

Hawkeye sat down. "You're not the only one who can play that game. You might be here but that doesn't mean I'm going to tell you anything."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Nothing. I'm not afraid of anything."

Sidney decided to change his approach. "I understand that you had an argument with Radar before he died. That must be very difficult for you to deal with."

"Actually it's a piece of cake. I'm not dealing with it."

Ahh, sarcasm…one of human nature's best defense mechanisms. Sidney could see the sadness in Hawkeye's eyes. Perhaps it was just too soon to talk about the argument. But he had found a starting point. Hawkeye had shifted in his seat as he spoke, which indicated a willingness to move in his conversation. He had a long, long way to go but at least the door was open.

"Look, I've enjoyed our visit. But I really think you should leave now. B.J. and Chuckles will be back soon."

"Chuckles…I take it you two aren't close?"

"We mix as well as vinegar and honey. And I plan to keep it that way."

"You and B.J. are close, aren't you?"

Hawkeye nodded. "He's my best friend."

"What about your previous tentmates?"

"Well there's Frank Burns…I don't even know where to begin. Always wanted to go by the book. Toward the end he was a little nutso…how did the army take care of him? he got promoted and sent stateside." The surgeon laughed bitterly. "And then there was Trapper. He was my best friend. We had some great times. He always made me laugh. I don't know what I would have done when I first came to this place if it hadn't had been for him."

"So you've had two best friends since you've been here. You've let people get close to you. That's more than some people are capable of." Sidney noted.

"Well we shared a tent."

"You shared more than a tent. You shared life- you shared a war….you saved lives together. You've lost patients together. You laughed together. It's okay to admit you cared about someone else, Hawkeye."

"No, it's not okay! You don't understand!" he stood up. "I let myself care and then they just –they just go away. Those experiences don't mean anything in the end-just ask Trapper. I went away on R&R and when I came back I found out he went home. And you know what? He didn't even say goodbye. No letter, no goodbye, no thanks for the memories, no nothing. It was like I didn't even matter to him. And I guess I didn't. Here I am talking about him and he doesn't even remember me."

"Is that what you're afraid of? That no one will remember you?"

Hawkeye sat back down. "Maybe this sounds crazy. But I have this recurring nightmare that I die. Each time is different- one time I was even run over my own dad's car-it doesn't matter how I die. Anyways I have this dream where I die and no one comes to my funeral. Not even my own dad. Maybe that's why I try so hard to be so clever."

"Trust me, Hawkeye- you're pretty unforgettable."

"Unforgettable..that's what you are…

Unforgettable though near or far…

Like a song of love that clings to me…"

"I think you know what I meant." Sidney chucked. "But thank you for the song. I'm afraid I don't have any champaign. We could have had a real moment. Maybe some other time."

"Party pooper." Hawkeye sighed.

"now where were we…"

"We were about to leave."

"I believe you were talking about Trapper leaving. How did that make you feel?"

Hawkeye closed his eyes. He could almost see his friend's yellow robe hanging up in the room and hear his contagious laugh. "Yeah. He took off so fast. I mean, B.J. came in, so it was fine. I liked B.J right off the bat. So it was no problem."

"Wait a minute." Sidney interrupted." Your best friend abandoned you and there was no problem?"

"He didn't abandon me! He went home. He took off. It was time for him to go. I would have left too. He did his time. He just should have left a note. But you're right. We did go through a lot. We went through hell together. He didn't owe me a note. But it was the least he could have done for me. I thought he …well I thought he cared about me. I cared about him. I would have been happy for him. Heck, I would have thrown the biggest shin-dig this company's ever seen. I would have gone to the front line for that man. And in the end he leaves. Just like that. Gone. Adios. Au revoir. On the next train to Boston without looking back. Good riddance, I say."

"Is that all you say?"

"What more do you want me to say? It hurts that he left! There, are you happy now? It hurt when he left." Hawkeye took a deep breath, as he felt his eyes welling up with tears. "He hurt me then but he's not going to hurt me any more, I can tell you that."

"And by crying you think that he has the power? Hawkeye, " Sidney sighed. "Can't you see, " it's quite the opposite. "If you cry now, you're getting rid of the negative feelings that are associated with Trapper. You're in control of those feelings. You're letting go of the hurt that you feel he caused you. You're in control of those feelings that have been holding you for a very long time now."

Hawkeye looked at him, his bottom lip trembling.

Sidney nodded.

"I didn't want him to go. We were supposed to do our time together. I thought that if we did our time together it would make this place a little bit more tolerable. He knew me. He knew how to make me laugh. He knew how to get me drunk. He knew how to get me out of myself. " Hawkeye wiped the tears away from his eyes. " We liked the same people, we hated the same people-make that person. We had the same sense of humor and direction. Great humor, lousy direction. And we could talk about women like you wouldn't believe…it was like having a brother around. And when we found out Henry died it was Trapper that got me through that night. We came back here and we got sauced like you would never believe. I don't know what I would have done that night if it wasn't for Trapper. Then I turn around and find out Trapper's gone home. Dirty dog. You know, sometimes I wonder if I hate him."

Sidney frowned. "I think we both know that isn't true."

A single tear falling down his face, Hawkeye looked at the psychiatrist. "Then why do I feel like this?"

"You miss him. You didn't get closure on that important relationship."

"The only kind of closure you get on relationships around here are the fatal ones." Hawk muttered.

"Trapper didn't die."

"But Tommy did. Trapper was there for that. Then Henry. And now Radar. You're right.' Hawkeye dried his tears. "Trapper isn't dead but it sure would have been nice to get a chance to say goodbye to at least one of my friends."

"Well he's going to have to say good night to one of his friends." Came in the voice of Charles Winchester. "I couldn't make it through the movie and I'm ready for bed. Excuse me, gentlemen."

Hawkeye looked away to wipe his face. He hoped beyond hope that Winchester hadn't been sitting outside, listening to their session.

"Well, Hawkeye, "Sidney said as he stood up. "They'll be showing the second part of the movie tomorrow. Same time, same place. Perhaps, " he looked over at Charles." We could find a different place.

Hawkeye nodded. "You know where to find me.

And now Sidney had a place to start. Hawkeye had abandonment issues to the deaths of those he loved. Trapper's abrupt departure certainly triggered some of those issues. It would take a lot of hard work and some more therapy but Sidney was willing to help Hawkeye face some of his fears.


	13. Chapter 13

"You missed out on a heck of a breakfast. What they did to the oatmeal broke at least three rules of the Geneva convention." B.J. said as he tied his shoe.

"How were the nurses last night after the movie? Were they all teary-eyed and in dire need of a little comfort? My shoulders were unusually free last night." Hawkeye commented.

"Rhett Butler has nothing on you. Here, have one of Peg's cookies." B.J. handed one to his friend. "Chocolate chip. Won't find anything like it around here on base."

"With good reason. I think I'd rather have taken my chances with a second bowl of oatmeal." Hawkeye said after taking a bite of the hardened cookie.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"If Igor needs a recipe we know who to ask." Hawkeye laughed, as he put his hand over his face as if to ward off a punch in the face.

For a minute B.J. was about to get steamed. But then he realized that Hawk was doing something he hadn't done in awhile-he was joking. Perhaps the session with Sidney had helped. Maybe he had gotten a good night's sleep. Either way, B.J. wasn't about to tempt fate and argue with his friend.

"So…how did it go last night? I hope you don't mind me asking…You don't have to answer…" B.J. packed up the cookies and set them back in his locker, avoiding eye contact with Hawkeye.

"Fine…it went fine. He's not ready to ship me off to the funny farm. You might have something to say about that." The dark-haired surgeon sat on the edge of his bed.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you're just tired, that's all. Tired of all the fighting and of all the.."

"Of all the death. You can say it. I'm sick to death of all the sickness and the death. My blood boils just thinking of all the Radars who've lost their lives in this war I'm not so sure will ever end. But that's not what we talked about, oddly enough."

B.J watched his friend struggle to find his next words.

"What are you looking at? I'm not some kind of circus show am I?"

"No, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to stare…" The blond surgeon looked away, sighing. Maybe there was nothing he could do.

"Look, Hawk.." He stood up." Maybe I should just give you some space. I think I've said too much. I'm gonna shoot some hoops."

"No." Hawkeye stood up. "Don't go. I'm sorry. Please."

They both sat down.

"I'm sorry I've been kind of a jerk these past few days. Radar's death has just hit me hard. It's like I'm losing Tommy and Henry all over again. It's hard to explain what I'm feeling. And then I worry about you. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. You might think I'm crazy for feeling that way. But I've been thinking a lot about us and everything we've been through. I've made it through the worst times of my life with you. And now this…I know I've been taking it out on you."

"I'm tough. I can take it." B.J. smiled warmly.

"No, you don't get it. I'm taking it on you because I'm scared. I don't know what would happen if something…well I'm just going to come right out and say it. I don't know what I'd do if something were to happen to you. Trapper left but at least I know he's safe with his family where he belongs. He left and then you came along…well…maybe you think I sound stupid…guys aren't supposed to think like this. But I do. You're here and I'm glad you're here. There, I said it. You've became part of me and I'm not ready to get rid of you."

B.J. took a minute to process everything his best friend told him. "Well…I'm here….They're not getting rid of me…Lord knows I've tried.."

"See, you think I'm weak. Call Sidney. I'm ready for a week at the funny farm." Hawkeye sighed, as he stood up to pour himself a drink.

"Hawk, I don't think that. I don't think that at all. I'm glad you said what you did. I'm here. You're like the brother I never wanted." He teased, only to see that he didn't get a smile in return.

" And when this is all said and done and I'm back with Peg and Erin I'll write. We'll visit."

Hawk turned to face him. "Don't you tell me that! Don't you dare tell me that! You and I both know you'll go on with your life and I'll go on with mine.."

"That's just it. You'll go on with your life. We're all just getting on with our lives, the best ways we know how. I don't know what tomorrow brings. No one does. But all I know is that I don't know what this place would have been like if I hadn't have found you."

Hawkeye put down his glass and looked at his friend. "Yeah. I know what you mean." He said after a few minutes.

Finally picked up his glass and sat back down on his bed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get…you know…"

"It's okay. We all got stuff to get our backs. You know, I might just join you in that drink. Hey, Peg sent me a new deck of cards the other day. Care to try 'em out?"

"Sure." Hawkeye cleared his throat. "Here's to friendship." He lifted his glass.

"To friendship."

As the men played cards, Hawkeye got to thinking about eulogy gave at Radar's funeral. B.J. was right; there was nothing in the world worth losing a friend over. Nothing.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: In my story I accidentally typed that Radar went off to Tokyo. In the episode Fallen Idol he went off to Seoul. For continuity's sake the mention in here is still Tokyo. Also in the episode Hawkeye had been too hungover too operate on a different patient. In my story it was Radar's second operation that Hawk walked out on. Rated t for language. I really want to thank my reviewers…I really appreciate them!**

"Sidney..can I come in?" Hawkeye knocked on the door to the tent.

"Of course. How are you feeling?"

"I don't know." Hawk sighed as he sat down. "I just had a talk with B.J. I mean, I just finished telling him that I was afraid something bad might happen to him. I told him how I felt about him- that I was lucky to have a friend like him."

"And you're afraid that you might sound weak?"

The surgeon nodded. "It's not that. It's like I'm afraid if I say it out loud than it might come true. I just…I'd really lose my marbles. I already feel pretty squirrely. Am I crazy, Doc?" He asked, feeling unusually vulnerable.

"They say if you ask yourself that then it's a pretty safe bet that you're not. Does that make you feel any better?"

"Not really. I still feel like I'm about to lose my mind."

"It will get better. I promise. Now, Hawkeye, I'd like to talk about Radar." Sidney declared. "Is that alright with you?"

Hawkeye paused for a few minutes while he pondered the implications of the upcoming conversation. Talking would be difficult, but silence would be murder. His heart raced as if were a time bomb waiting to explode. He looked around the room, anxious that someone would walk in on his confession.

"I'm not..I'm not so sure I can talk about Radar. Can I talk about B.J.?"

"We can talk about anything you like. But at some point I'd like for you to talk about Radar. I know that something happened before he died that you're not talking about.

"Radar, Radar, Radar! Why does everything have to be about Radar? He's gone! Why can't we just let him rest in peace? There's nothing I can do to bring him back. There's nothing I could have done to prevent him from going to Tokyo. That's not true. There is something I could have done." Hawkeye exclaimed, becoming clearly agitated.

"I could have kept him from going. I didn't have to tell him to go. Sidney, it was all my idea. It was entirely my idea. It's my fault he's dead. He came to me looking for advice. I told him to go to Tokyo. I told him not to wait. And so he grabbed a jeep and left. He'd still be here if it weren't for my misguided attempt to be the man everyone wants to be. I thought I had all the answers. No dire deed could ever come from any of my efforts or so I thought. I was the man of steel, a social director of the heart and a modern day Socrates all rolled into one. Now here I am with the butter off my biscuit, not sleeping, not eating, barely holding on to the basic human decency I used to call hope. Hope for what? That I'll wake up each morning to see the cheesy mustache of my comrade-in-arms. That the new day will finally be the day that McArthur wises up and brings a halt to this blasted war and I'll be back in Crabapple Cove? It's getting to where I don't know what to hope for anymore.

"Night after night it's the same thing. I think about the people I've seen, legs I've sewn back together..and the blood….all the blood. There's not enough alcohol in the world to make you forget all of the terror you see in those patient's eyes as you place the anesthesia mask on their face. Every week it's the same thing- scores of bodies of young men stretched out in the field. And it's my call who to take back first. These men's lives are in my hands."

Sidney rubbed his hands together. "It sounds like you have to think fast. I know it can be overwhelming at times. But Hawkeye, you're responsible for their lives. You're not responsible for their deaths."

Hawkeye thought about that for a moment. "I spend my days putting people back together. I sew stitches, I take things apart only to put them back together. Some days I'm covered from head to toe in blood and guts. These boys' lives are being sucked out of them and some days the best I can do is tell them 'I'm sorry'. Their lives' blood is in my hands; that's what I do. I fix things. But what do I do when I can't fix things? What if I've run into something that I can't patch up or can't sew up, no matter how badly I want to?"

Sidney watched as the badly distressed man mentally tore himself up. But it was good that it was coming out. Healing was coming, slowly. When you had a man that was as in as much turmoil as Hawkeye was, sometimes you just had to sit back and listen.

"There are days where we just pull shrapnel from the body and pray for the morphine to kick in. Modern medicine works wonders but it doesn't always work miracles. And some of the boys they bring us are beyond needing miracles. I patch one man up and there's two more waiting to take his place. Meanwhile I haven't the time to wipe the blood off my boots and my wrists and elbows are begging for mercy. And yet, my friend, the show must go on. The minutes have turned into hours and yet I keep working under the most inhumane conditions known to man. And I still go on. There's always one I can't help. I can hear them crying, even in my sleep. I always figure there was something more I could have said, could have done. If only I had more time. If only I hadn't had to place another patient ahead of another…would it have made a difference? These are the questions that I ask myself every night. I don't have time to ask myself these during the day. I just do my job and move on to the next one. And when the day is done I return to the rat-infested corner I've come to so affectionately call the Swamp. Sounds pleasant, doesn't it. None of the luxuries of home, with none of the comforts. The place I hang my head every night."

"Tough job." Sidney commented. "What do you do for relaxation"

"Oh, you know. Drink. Chase a few nurses around. Drink. Chase a few more nurses around. Head to the officer's club."

"I see. That sounds like fun. You also play poker, and engage in some practical jokes if memory serves me right."

Hawkeye nodded, not wanting to talk about that part of him.

"So you get along well with the ladies?"

"Yeah but I'd rather not talk about that." Hawkeye turned away.

"I'd rather we did. When was the last time you got along with a lady friend?"

"It's not important." Hawkeye growled. "Now can we drop it? I said there's nothing to talk about!"

"Why don't you want to talk about it? Did you have a bad experience?"

"No. It's just that…damn it…It's Radar..he asked me advice about getting a lady. I told him to go to Toyko right away. He grabbed a jeep and, well, the rest is history. I don't ever want to think about getting a little luck with the ladies. Look what I did to Radar! I didn't have to leave home. If I did I could have been killed. It should have been me out there, not Radar. Don't you see…they got the wrong man. " Hawkeye looked up at Sidney. "They got the wrong one. This is all a big mistake."

"Is this how you really feel? That it should be you six feet under?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Hawkeye, would you feel this way if Radar was out on some other run? Perhaps he was making some run for the Colonel? And be truthful."

"It's beside the point. He's dead and it's because of me."

_You're one hardheaded young man. You're not going to make this easy on me, are you?_

"Hawkeye, just for a minute, imagine that Radar was making a run for company business. Would you feel any differently? Would you feel as if your place was six feet under?"

Hawk paused. "I might feel differently suppose. That's a big might."

"Well what if I told you that Radar was out on company business. He was out on Radar's company business. He wasn't doing anything he didn't want to do. He made a bad decision. It was Radar's decision to make. Hawkeye, you didn't do this to him. Did you have a chance to talk to him about this before…"

"Yeah. It didn't go over so well.. But he didn't blame me for getting hurt. That surprised the daylights out of me. But then we got into a fight anyways when he realized that I was too sick to finish up his second operation. He told me how disappointed in me he was. He said he looked up to me. Well I just couldn't handle that kind of pressure. I lost it. I told him the hell with his Iowa naiveté and to hell with him and his teddy bear. I heard myself speaking …it was like a monster was in the room. I couldn't believe I was yelling at the boy! I still don't know what was wrong with me. And now I'll have to live the rest of my life knowing that those were the last words I ever spoke to Radar." Hawkeye's hands began to tremble. "What's wrong with me? My hands never shake! Not even when I'm cold!"

"Hawkeye, I think it's really important that you don't lose sight of the fact that he didn't blame you for what had happened to him. You said so yourself that he told you that. Between that, and the stress of your job, the flashbacks to losing your friends…I think we're beginning to see what's eating you. But you're going to be just fine. I guarantee that."

"I'm glad you can see that. I sure can't." he mumbled.

"Hawkeye, Radar doesn't blame you for what happened to him. So it's okay to let go."

Hawkeye's eyes widened and the shake from his hand transferred to his arm. "Let go? How can you honestly expect me to let go of someone who hasn't even been gone a week?"

"Don't get angry. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. By letting go I mean detach…step back for a minute. Take care of Hawkeye. Radar is in a Higher Power's hands now. Do you believe that?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Then let go…let go of your fears and your anger…just let go…Radar doesn't need those. He needs to be loved and remembered for who he was. He needs to be honored and respected, not feared. The best way to honor Radar is to honor yourself by trusting in the friendship you two shared. He would not, did not, could not blame you….nor would he want you to blame yourself. Grieve, of course. But let go of the guilt. Radar didn't give it to you and he wouldn't want you to have it." Sidney stood and put his hand on Hawkeye's shoulder.

Hawkeye said nothing, but he bowed his head in revered silence. Inspiration struck and he sat up straight in his chair.

After a few minutes he stood up and shook Sidney's hand.

"You know, Sidney, he was a heck of a good kid. He was like a little brother. He deserved a lot more than this army could ever offer him."

"Hawkeye, the last time we talked about the fact that you wanted to be remembered. Perhaps you could do something to remember Radar."

Hawkeye's eyes widened as inspiration hit.

"Where are you going?"

"I have some business to attend to. It's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun." Hawkeye called as he flew out the door.

Hawkeye ran over to Klinger, who was sitting at the clerk's desk.

"Hey…Klinger? Remember when they screwed up and ordered 2000 tongue depressors?" Hawkeye grinned as he put his arm around his friend……..

Four mornings later, sitting outside of the swamp, was a five foot high cross made entirely out of the wooden medical supplies. Of course, word got around fast and everyone came by to see it.

Colonel Potter stopped by to admirer Hawkeye's handiwork. "Not bad, Pierce. What made you decide to do it?" B.J. ran inside to grab three drinks.

"Maybe I just felt like playing. Some times you just don't want to grow up." He smiled.

B.J. handed out the drinks as the colonel looked towards the makeshift cross.

"Well, son.. This place will never be the same without you. You're a good boy, and I'm proud of you." Colonel Potter lifted his glass, and the two men lifted their glasses to toast him.

"To Radar."

As soon as they sipped down their drinks, they heard the dreaded words speak over the intercom:

"Incoming. All medical personal needed."

And so life goes on at the 4077.

The End


	15. Chapter 15

Hawkeye Pierce lay down on his cot, fatigued after an eleven hour day of surgery. The last operation, a bowel resection, had been particularly grueling. It wasn't an abnormal surgery, but the patient had a reaction to the anesthestha and had to be monitored carefully. For a few minutes, it was touch and go, leaving Hawkeye increasingly agitated at the situation. Everything had turned out all right, but he hated close calls. He had been working so feverishly on saving his patient that he had almost forgotten about the doctor who had slipped in the operating room. The mild mannered psychiatrist always had a way of blending in with his surroundings- he was the opposite of Hawkeye in that aspect. Whereas Hawkeye was loud and presumptuous, Sidney was quiet and unassuming. He took nothing for granted, not that he could afford to in his line of work. The man's ability to focus intensely was just one part of his charm.

Hawkeye was too tired to think about Sidney or anyone else for that matter although he had a sneaking suspicion that he was on the shrink's to see list. It had been awhile- three months to be exact- since their last powwow.

B.J. was busy writing to his wife and wouldn't engage in conversation, so Hawkeye looked for other ways to occupy his time. Finding nothing but a spare sock, he wound the cloth material into a ball and tossed it into the air repeatedly while he lay on his back.

"I think I've found the ultimate thrill." He declared. "Nothing screams excitement like watching your own laundry bounce across your bed. Here. Catch."

B.J. threw the sock back to his best friend. "I'm busy. Sorry."

"Don't look at me." Piped in Charles, who was busy sorting through his various assortments of records.

Too late. Hawkeye had gone ahead and thrown the cloth at the major, who certainly did not appreciate the gesture. He was about to argue when he was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Come in." Shouted B.J who was thankful for the interruption. He was in no mood for the Bickersons that night.

In walked Dr. Sidney Freedman, traveling psychiatrist. Both Charles and B.J.'s eyes inadvertently swept over to Hawkeye. It might be unfair to presume that the shrink was there solely to visit their colleague, but neither one could help it. It hadn't been that long ago since the death of Radar O'Reilly. Sidney had been brought in to council a grieving Hawkeye. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, but the surgeon internalized his in an unhealthy manner. He stopped eating and sleeping, and refused to speak at times. He even temporarily moved out of the Swamp. Those closest to the man from Maine felt powerless to help him; B.J. was glad to see Sidney now. The three month anniversary was fast approaching and it was a safe bet to assume that Colonel Potter had called in the psychiatrist.

"Have I come at a bad time? I know you fellows had a long day today." Sidney commented.

"No, Charles and were just leaving, weren't we?" B.J. glared the major.

"I, uh, as a matter of fact it happens that I have some business to attend to with Colonel Potter. Now if you'll excuse me. Sidney." He knew that the psychiatrist had unfinished business with Hawkeye so he thought it best that he leave. He nodded as he made his way out the door.

"I'll catch you later. I'm just going to finish my letter in the mess tent." B.J. smiled as he gathered his belongings.

"Why do I get the feeling that they want us to be alone?" Hawkeye muttered as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Sidney pulled up a seat. "You don't mind my staying, do you? It's been awhile since our last chat. I thought I'd take a minute to see how things have been going for you."

"Oh fine, fine. You know, I get up in the morning to a cold cup of coffee and even colder breakfast and wait for the day's casualties to arrive. Or if not I pass the day playing a few jokes or sharing a few minutes with the ladies. Drink a few drinks. You know…"

"Sounds like things have gone back to normal."

Hawkeye froze up. He never could stand that word. "No, things are not normal! I know what you're trying to say. I know why you're here. And I haven't forgotten Radar. Just because he's gone doesn't mean a guy doesn't have to do things to survive, you know. And that's what this place is about. You know what? I think about him all the time. I think about how he'd still be here if I hadn't have given him some lousy advice. I think about the future he would have had. He would have had a long and arduous life on the farm back in Iowa. Hometown kid trying to make good. Maybe get married and have a few little Radars of his own. That's not too much for anyone to ask, right? But it was too much for everyone to expect of him apparently. I've gotten past that. I've moved on."

"Have you?"

Hawkeye sighed. "Not really. You got me there. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to him."

"I remember you saying that you didn't want to be his hero."

"That's right. It's too much. I can't be a hero and a surgeon at the same time. It's like they don't mix. I'll make a mistake and then what happens? It's like what happened with Radar. He put me on that pedestal and then I couldn't live up to his expectations. I disappointed him and myself. I got caught in a no-win situation that I couldn't get out of. If I measured up to his expectations then that only raised the bar for next time. Then what would I do if I failed? I'd just be setting everyone else up-not to mention myself-up for a major disappointment. And I already have so much that I'm carrying around- the need to be everyone's tower of strength. If the world is falling apart- and it is- then the least I can do is be the one thing people can count on." Hawkeye sighed with a heavy heart.

He never realized how much he'd been bottling up.

"What about B.J.? Does he know how you feel about all of this?" inquired Sidney.

"No. I can't lay all of this on his shoulders. He's got enough to worry about with Peg and Erin. The last thing he needs is to be bothered with my troubles. And I know him- he'd work himself into lather if he knew how I felt. Hell, I didn't even know how I felt until just now. Well I did, but that was before Radar died. I thought I'd put it behind me. I never really had time to deal with it, you know. I feel so guilty."

"Why would you feel guilty?"

"Because the last feeling I had toward him was anger. I'd never gotten angry with him. I'll tell you what gets me angry. War. Stupidity. Pride. Not Radar O'Reilly." Hawkeye said.

"You couldn't have known what would happen. If you had, what would you have done differently?" the psychiatrist asked.

"I don't know. I would have said goodbye." He looked down. "That's the kicker. He died without knowing how I felt about him. At least Henry knew. Trapper, Radar and I threw him a little shin-dig. We gave him a suit. He knew we were crazy about him. I kissed him on the cheeks. I'd do anything…." His voice trailed off while he looked away.

"Anyways…" Hawkeye continued. "Sometimes I walk into Colonel Potter's office and I forget Henry's not there. I always knew that when my back was up against a wall Henry would support me. No matter what. I can't tell you how many times Frank and Margaret would look for ways to cause trouble for me and yet Henry would always have my back. Once Henry was transferred to Tokyo and Trapper, Radar and I cooked up a scheme to bring him back. It wouldn't be the same without him but at least he would be with his family. And then he went and got himself killed. He was one of the best men I've ever met and he had to die. Sometimes I lie awake thinking about him on that plane. He's just dreaming of home and suddenly the plane spins out of control. Does he have time to realize what's happening to him? Does he have time to feel panic and terror? I only pray he never knew what happened before he hit his watery grave." Hawkeye shuddered.

"That's what I'm afraid of the most- Henry suffering. We spent all of our medical training learning how to reduce suffering only to have him go out like that. He died a senseless and violent death and there was nothing anyone could do about it. I remembered what it was like to almost drown, and it wasn't pretty. I've thought about that- a lot. I know that Henry died on impact, not that it offers any comfort. He was such a good man and deserved so much better than what he got."

"Does it bother you? To talk about Henry?"

"Not really. I used to talk about him all the time. Right after he died Trapper left and B.J. arrived. So I had someone new to talk to. B.J. feels as if he practically knew Henry."

"It helps to talk about loved ones. Do you talk about Radar?" asked Sidney.

"That's just it! I can talk about Henry but I can't talk about Radar. No one will even mention his name around me. I wonder if it's because they blame me for his death."

"I don't think that's it. Number one, I don't think anyone blames you. Everyone knows it was an accident. You didn't shoot at him. Secondly, I think most people know how that it's a sensitive subject with you. They don't know how to approach it. So they figure it's best to leave it alone. And do you think they're right?"

"Maybe." Hawkeye agreed. "I practically bit everyone's head off that tried to talk to me about him at first."

"Maybe you're ready. Start with B.J. I'm sure he'd be more than glad to talk about him with you. He'd know what to say. After all, you did spend a better part of our session talking about Radar. It's time."

Hawkeye said nothing, but was willing to concede that the doctor had a point. It used to anger him even hearing the name Radar but now there was something strangely soothing in the room. It was like a source of peace could be found just thinking of his lost friend. True it had been awhile since he'd thought of his friend but that didn't mean he didn't care. It had just been so painful that he'd tried to block out the memories of the events surrounding Radar's death, if that were possible. He'd thought he'd lost his mind with grief. Seeing Sidney again was starting to bring back feelings of anxiety, reminiscent of their old therapy sessions following Radar's funeral. This time he was much stronger. He'd allowed himself to get close to his friends again, especially B.J. They say time heals all wounds, but Hawkeye had found that to be a fallacy. Time helps all wounds, but some wounds could never fully heal. The loss of a loved one is so immensely painful that you cannot imagine the pain unless you have experienced it yourself. This latest loss in Hawkeye's young life brought him closer to the edge of despair and discouragement. Faith was becoming harder and harder to find in this mad world filled with loss.

"Hawkeye, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"What do you remember most about your mother?"

"What is it about you shrinks and mothers? I knew that this was going to come up!" Hawkeye rolled his eyes.

"Seriously?"

Sidney nodded.

"Bread. I remember the smell of freshly baked bread coming from the kitchen when I'd come home from school. It was my favorite thing in the world. Dad always loved it too. I remember she always hated going to the store. Anything you needed you could make at home, she always said. She was really practical that way. She always said I must have taken after my father since my head was always in the clouds. She was an excellent seamstress. Everyone in town was always coming to her. Dad didn't want her to work, he was old-fashioned, but he didn't mind her taking in some extra dollars that way. We always had people coming and going. They would bring me candy, which my mom didn't always know about. She was always singing. Sometimes I could hear her singing from the upstairs. I take after her that way. Drove my dad batty. He said if he wanted music he'd put on the radio. But we couldn't help it. And how my friends loved her. My friend Harry had his first crush on her. Made me madder than hell. She was my mom, you know. I used to think it was the cooking but it was the way she treated all the kids. She'd never let you go hungry. If you were over there playing she'd insist on you staying for dinner. And then sometimes she would dance with them. My friend Steve's face got so red he ran out the door and he didn't show back up for two weeks. She was amazing."

"And how did you handle it when she passed away?" Sidney asked.

"I cried every day for a month. But I didn't let my dad see me. I couldn't. He was counting on me. It was like someone had ripped a part of me out and replaced it with a stone wall. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I never thought I'd ever be myself again."

"How did you act with your father?"

"I had to act like myself. I told jokes, made him laugh, you know…I couldn't let him know anything was wrong. He had too much to worry about without me dragging him down."

"Even at a young age you learned to hide behind your jokes. Is that how you've dealt with Radar's death?" Sidney inquired. "That may work in the short-term but not the long run."

"I've been doing all right. Certainly better than last time we've talked. I think I was ready to leave on a section 8."

"You know, Hawkeye, you certainly are doing much better. Tell your jokes, drink your drinks. Chase your nurses. But listen to your body. If you've learned anything from all of this know this: you have limits. Recognize them and learn to slow down when you need to. You're not God, so quit playing so. Let B.J. and a few others in once in awhile. You'd be mighty surprised at how much better you'd feel. No man is an island, and you shouldn't try to be."

"Is that it?"

"That's it, soldier. I think you've made remarkable progress. I'll pop in from time to time. You'll be okay. Just don't try to do it by yourself." Sidney stood up and shook the surgeon's hand.

Hawkeye would think about their conversation and decide Sidney was right. B.J. was a good friend, the best one he'd ever had. Maybe it was time to start talking about Radar again. In small doses, of course, but he never was one to forget the ones he loved. It was time to let the healing begin.


	16. Chapter 16

And so Hawkeye, with the help of Sidney, continued to work on his issues. He went on with life as best as he could and faced life at the 4077. Eventually, the strain would get the best of him and he would collapse under the strain of the enormous pressure. Once again Sidney would be called in to help him face his demons, which were greater than anyone realized.


End file.
